Consider ~ Transformation

The last couple of weeks have been a wild ride. In all honesty somewhere along the way I sort of fell off the wagon. I went to Wyoming for the first time in six years to visit with family and mostly to celebrate my Granny's 106th birthday. In some ways this was an extremely good trip. I seemed to be able to stay in the car without my ankles swelling and made the whole round trip with no serious pain issues, so I do think the Diatomaceous Earth (DE) has helped with the inflammation. Emotionally I did pretty well, with the exception of the occasional tearing up and realizing this in all likelihood will be the last time I ever see my Granny, and the fact she no longer knows who I am. I was mentally prepared for that possibility, but not really expecting the wide range of emotions that came with the whole visit. One thing I did realized is exactly how much I have changed over the last six years. I think back to my Granny's 100th birthday party where I was constantly on the verge of tears for no apparent reason, as she was still healthy as a horse and I figured I'd see her dozens of times before she passed. The tears came from a lifetime of suppressed emotions that were just starting to surface with the recovery process. I remember for the first time in my life allowing myself to feel a broad set of emotions like anger, frustration, joy, fear, etc. But it was so overwhelming and I still had the guilt for feeling the way I was feeling and the shame that seemed to come along with it. This visit was different. I had such a peace and quiet confidence. I could look at my family like an outsider, but still felt connected. I could see their pain, fears, anger, frustration and confusion. I could understand it and have empathy, but I didn't take it on. And yet there was a part of me that pained, because I know most of their suffering, whether they realize it or not, is self inflicted. They have been trained to pain. I have been transformed to peace. I still have so far to go in my recovery. Although I've worked through many of the ACA issues, there are still a couple that still haunt me. One is the tendency to self-sabotage, which for some reason I did the week I came back, or at least I thought that is what I was doing. I started eating white breads again and craving candy and soda. I thought at first it really had something to do with the stress, but then I realized it has more to do with addiction. You see, I had to drive 17 straight hours there, stayed two days and then drove 17 straight hours home. I had less that 12 hours total sleep for the three nights I was there (although the quality of the sleep was very good). To keep we away I turned to my old friend, Dr. Pepper. Although I didn't drink any pop while there, I did drink a few glasses on the trip both ways. And that kicked in my extreme sugar and caffeine cravings again. So I realized something about transformation. It has to be complete. You can't have the occasional indulgence of some things and expect to continue to move forward. It's not really about denying yourself in the sense of saying you can never indulge. Rather it's the considering before you indulge of how it will effect your short term progress. I didn't really consider that just a few glasses of pop would make me crave sugar so badly. It's like a drug to me. Which makes me go back to why it was so hard for me to transform my life when I lived close to my family. I tried a few times, but then I would get around my family and go right back into the same co-dependent patterns. For me to transform I needed to move away and even isolate completely from my family for a short period of time so I could transform my mind into a new way of thinking. I truly am not who I was in 2006. And I hope in 2018 I will be even closer to who God created me to be! I'm praying today that God will transform my mind, my body and my spirit to conform to His will. I know my family saw change in me as far as attitude. I still messed up a bit, but I'm so much better than I used to be. The next time I visit my family I want my body and spirit to be so transformed that they will want the change, too. Dear God, please show me what to do now. please open up my heart, mind and soul to absorb your Word. I pray this in Jesus name, amen.